Had another OT appointment today, and I mentioned the “I want to be able to praise myself for the progress I’ve made so far, but can’t come up with a suitable thing for that” thought waves. So we got talking about pets, and how everything is just so unsuitable, whether it’s me, the house, the garden or a combination of all three. She suddenly announces “I have the solution”…. the Nintendo DS virtual dogs game.
Somehow I don’t think she has a clue what I’m thinking.
I used to have virtual dogs games, and I outgrew them. There is no way you would get me (as required by this game) to talk to the console, it’s just not something I see any point in doing.

Then, to cap it all off, she starts twittering on about me being independent (her favourite topic), and putting my name down on the social services housing list - there’s so many things I can’t do for myself that I should be able to, why are we planning ahead to me living on my own?!

Yesterday’s blog post has been removed - I don’t appreciate pingubacks from any blogs, unrelated or otherwise (unless they are from friends). To comment, you will need to be loggeed in.

Just a short post today

On Thursday, I walked down to the Church where today’s flower festival was held, so I could prove to myself that the distance (just under a mile) was achievable. When I got down there, I decided to surprise my grandparents by going to their house (making it a full mile from home) - that was the first time I’ve done that on my own since early April…. 2006 (and obviously walked back by myself too)

So today was the flower festival, and I went down with Mum. After we’d seen the flowers (and bought 3 plants and 6 cakes for the family to share!), we went to Gran & Grandad’s again (the first time with someone since November 2006). Mum had lunch there (I didn’t), while I was finally able to work on Grandad’s computer problems, which I manage to solve!! We then walked back up what T described as the side of a mountain to get back home My legs don’t ache…. yet - that’ll come later on and tomorrow morning

Urgh for feeling so lethargic…. that’s what a busy couple of weeks does to you

Anyhow, yesterday I had a new penpal email, which was good, as I’ve wanted to write to another penpal for a while (like my current penpal, the new one is also serving in the Armed Forces). Today I read the next email, and he wants to meet up…. which I have absolutely no intention of doing. Apart from the fact that I’m not really meeting up with people I know at the moment, having only received one very short email from him, I’m none the wiser who he is - he could be anyone! So then I get annoyed (why do I have to get lumbered with the penpal who wants to meet up - how come I can’t get the ones who are quite content to just write a letter), and have to try and word a reasonably polite email to say what I think of the idea. I mean it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have this damn health problems, at least if I wanted to meet up with someone I could: but with the health issues added in, there’s no chance of meeting up with anyone, unless like T they’re able to come here (and be willing to potentially only spend 30 minutes here).

Plan B (see a previous blog entry) didn’t work, so we’re now onto plan C, which is to work towards volunteering for the Cinammon Trust as a dog walker. However, I’m unsure if that’s the right thing for me to do - I dunno if I should be putting myself out for others again, or if I should be concentrating on improving my health for the time being. I just have a feeling that if I did that, the dog’s owner would expect me to sit and chat for a while before / after walking their dog, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that as well as the dog walking. I have always ‘attracted’ people who were needy for one reason or another at school and work - I befriended those who had health problems / were loners, and ended up taking on their problems, which I don’t want to risk doing with another set of people. So probably plan C will also be sent to the rubbish dump and I’ll have to work on a plan D…. whatever that one will be.

There’s a flower festival just under a mile from home next weekend, and I’ve been aiming to try and get there for it. Trouble is, with less than a week to go, I’ve still only managed to get far enough on a walk once in the last 19 months, and that was the weekend before last. So I still don’t know if I could even get down there, let alone go in, as it’s going to be reasonably busy in a small space. The busiest situation I’ve had to cope with recently, was last Tuesday when the builders were going back and forth carrying the scaffolding poles and planks through the house - and it took me days to recover from supervising them (even just being in the house while they were doing that was too much for me) *cries*

I just hate all these health issues & the phobia so much - it’s preventing me from doing everything I want to do, yet I know it’s going to take a long long time to resolve, as even my OT has noticed there’s loads of things tied up with it…. it’s not just a simple “cure the phobia and we’re done” case. I’m utterly petrified about dealing with the phobia (I’ve been putting it off ever since I was off school back in 1999), I know it came about from a situation 15 years ago, and I also know that of all the “treatments” available for the phobia, I’m not going to do a single one of them.

Well, at least yesterday I was able to go for a walk in the thunderstorm & torrential downpour - yep, I know I’m crazy

Plan B, which is to try and work towards a pet hamster (the dog idea has to be shelved until I have resolve my phobia (”the issue”), which will potentially take years to finally clear).

Dad went into town yesterday, so I sent him a text to ask if he could look at hamster cages in the big pet shop. He texts back that he will, so when he gets back home, I asked him what was there. “Not many”. So I asked if there was anything like the photo text I sent him, or like we had with Hammi 4 years ago. “I can’t remember now” - what was the point in him going in to look, if by the time he gets home, he claims to not be able to remember?

He knows I can’t get into town - I can just about get to the nearest pet shop, which I doubt have any cages at all (it’s a very very small shop), but I can’t get into town as I’m not going anywhere by car (haven’t done since January 2007). I have to rely on someone to actually go into the shops for me, and it’s so annoying when they come back so disinterested, with no real information at all

It’s very unlike me to actually want something for me - usually everything I do is for other people, so when I come up with the idea of a pet that I should be able to be responsible for, it hurts to find that Dad is so disinterested and pathetic when it comes to actually bothering to look for me - I mean, he was in town anyway so it wasn’t as if I was asking him to go out of his way to actually go in there in the first place.

And to top it all off, the local pet shop don’t sell hamsters. So I would have to wait until I can get to town by car, which potentially is going to be months away, if not next year or later - I might as well aim for resolving “the issue” and getting the dog if I’m gonna have to think of that kind of time delay.
So now, it’s back to the drawing board to find out what plan C will be.

This week has been really hectic, especially yesterday. Yesterday’s ‘excitement’ was the workmen turning off the electricity so they could reattach the bathroom heater. So, I decided to go for a short walk and post a letter. When I got back, the electricity was still off, so I went down to the allotment with Grandad, and cleared the broad bean plot (picking the beans and cutting down the tops of the plants - the roots get dug in as feed for the ground). We also picked some raspberries and blackcurrants
The workmen needed my help with stuff (which I didn’t mind doing, as it’s nice to feel wanted and useful, especially as there’s a limit to what I can actually do right now ), and then a third workman turned up (the youngest one…. mum reckons looks good - he’s around my age and single ), so it was somewhat busy, especially as they’re working opposite the room with my computer in, so I can’t escape from them!

So today, I get up a little later than I’ve been doing, and I’m totally knackered (which is to be expected). Dad went to see Grandad (not the one who went down the allotment with me, the other one), who lives about 14 miles away. Then, we get a message saying that Grandad wanted to see us, so they were going to come back here after they’d had a bite to eat…. How did he expect me to handle that?! A weekend is not nearly long enough to ‘recover’ from having the workmen here all week, especially not if you then add in seeing my Grandad (who I haven’t seen since I’ve been off work, so that’s over 2 years now). It isn’t that I don’t want to see him, but I just don’t think I could handle it today (or any time at the moment, as the workmen are tiring, even just to listen to - apart from the youngest one, they’re non-stop talkers ).

My OT says to include Dad in things, so I explained this morning that I am on a major go-slow, as yesterday (and the entire week) was very draining. But what’s the point, when he pays no attention what-so-ever?!

OK, this probably sounds really odd to anyone who doesn’t know me (and probably just slightly obsessive, but here goes….

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, since I’ve been off work (that’s since April 2006), I’ve wanted to have a pet to look after, more specifically, a dog. Now Mum is very against having any pet in the house, whether it’s a goldfish or hamster, let alone anything that is ‘uncaged’. So today, she asked me if I’d worked out how much a dog costs each week on average, and also if “when you are using the computer, would it be up here with you?” Now is this just me, or is that an odd question to ask, considering that she has emphatically stated that she does not want another animal in the house?

Apart from anything else, my ideal is a greyhound and our house just doesn’t have the room. Even if you take out all the clutter, I just don’t see where the greyhound is supposed to sleep - there just isn’t the floor space available for a dog bed! I did consider a smaller dog, but when I did dog walking for the local RSPCA dogs home (before I got bitten by the Staffie), the dogs I’d walked were collies, mastiffs or dobermans - I get on better with larger dogs. Also, I like the ’semi-lethargic’-ness of the greyhounds, they’re not hyperactive in any way.

The ‘ideal’ probably is a puppy (even if it isn’t a greyhound), as that way you can train it yourself, and not be stuck with bad habits the dog picked up before you got it from the dogs home. Even that is probably very unlikely to happen though - I get the idea Mum would go potty if I suggested a puppy (although she did say it would be better to get a younger animal to train yourself, I don’t think she was referring to while I’m living at home). I did spot an advert for a Yorkshire Terrier x Pomeranian puppy that sounded quite cute, but I wouldn’t know where to start with knowing if the puppies were fit & healthy (hence it being a lot easier to get a rescued one )

Even if I get to the mythical “independence” that my OT keeps twittering on about, I still stand no chance of having a pet dog of my own, as I doubt somewhere of my own would be anywhere near large enough, is unlikely to have a suitable garden (if it has a garden at all), and I would need to be working to afford to live there, therefore not being at home during the day for the dog. So unless I can get Mum to accept a dog in this house (and magic up some extra space from thin air), I don’t really see the point in working out how much it would cost - it’s irrelevant if you can’t actually achieve getting a dog in the first place.

ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Mum’s not speaking to dad ‘cos he won’t apologise, dad won’t apologise ‘cos I don’t even think he knows that he’s supposed to (doubt he really knows what he’s supposed to be apologising for), and I’m stuck here like piggy-in-the-middle. Just wish I could actually get down to my grandparent’s house for a break from this atmosphere here *grumbles and starts planning an escape strategy*

Well, it’s father’s day tomorrow, and to put it lightly, I am not in the frame of mind to make a card and wrap up a present or two for him. Bear with me while I try to explain….

Yesterday, mum went out in the morning to the hairdressers, and as I don’t feel comfortable in the house without someone else here, Dad stayed in. I tried to make conversation with him, but the only responses I was getting were “teenager” style grunts. So I wandered off and went back to the computer (which is in a different room). He presumably resented having to stay in with me (he seems to feel it’s unnecessary), as when Mum came back, he was near enough waiting with his shoes on at the door, ready to get out of the house. I must be highly contagious (it does wonders for my non-existent self-esteem). Then, later in the day, when he gets back in, he can’t even manage to speak to me - I still don’t know what it is I am supposed to have done wrong, and it’s no good asking him, ‘cos he never gives an answer.

To cap it all, my stupid idiot of an OT reckons that when Dad saw her, he said that he wanted me and him to be closer. Well it’s a darn funny way of showing it, when he can’t even engage in conversation, or stay in the house for one more millisecond than was necessary. Mum hardly gets to go out, apart from a walk around the block, and when she does need to go into town, or go to an appointment, I feel guilty that when she gets back, Dad is champing at the bit to get out of the house - hardly a relaxing scenario to come back into.

Again today, when he got in from taking my Gran to the local shops (she does the shopping for us as well), he could barely bother to speak to me: when he did speak, the tone of voice he used was really nasty, laced with “why are you still off work, you must be skiving”. My OT seems to have seen someone else posing as Dad I think. He certainly doesn’t appear to express the opinions and feelings that she thinks he does, yet from only seeing him once and seeing me for around a year I think, she believes his side of things more than mine….

It’s times like this that I wish I could just go down to my grandparent’s house (not been there for over a year and a half, even though it’s a walkable distance - around a mile away). At least then I could escape this house and the “sulky being” that’s resenting my every move. Each day, I spend around 6 hours on the computer, most of that time being spent chatting to people and playing games on Neopets (which despite it’s childish appearance, was actually created by college students), and Dad obviously thinks that’s too childish for someone of my age to be playing. I’ve tried to explain that I know of people in their 60s and older that play it, but he still views it as too childish. He seems to have this view of me as a three-headed Swahili-speaking piece of trash (barely worth wasting the effort of talking to) who is clearly behaving in far too childish a manner for someone who is 26 years old.

Is it any wonder then that I am desperately wanting to have a pet of my own? Animals, especially dogs, don’t treat you like that: they don’t care what your quirks are, or judge you for your oddities, they love you unconditionally, for who you are rather than for who they want you to be. Fat chance of me ever getting a dog though - there’s no room in this house to achieve it, and if I wait until I’m (as my OT keeps twittering on about) “independent”, I wouldn’t be likely to have a place that was suitable for a dog (with a suitable garden), and I’d have to be at work during the day, which would be majorly unsuitable for owning a dog.

Yesterday I had the bright idea of going down to the allotment to try cutting a bit of grass (with shears as there’s no power supply for a lawn mower, and really it’s not suitable to mow anyway), decide where the lavender was going to be planted. and also pick some strawberries.

I think I got a little carried away No idea how long we were down there for, but after I cut some grass, arranged the lavender for Dad to plant, and picked the strawberries (the netting has worked wonders - not one strawberry was eaten from under the netting, and only one from the plants that the netting couldn’t cover ), I cut more grass…. and my legs almost didn’t have enough energy in them to walk back home Today, my legs don’t ache much at all…. it’s my arms that are aching, from using those blunt shears for so long Dad’s taken them down to the local hardware store to try and get them sharpened in the hope that they will then slice neatly through the coarse grass we have on the edge of the allotment plot